my worst travel experience EVER (in a world controlled by malevolent computers)

I considered if I was succumbing to hyperbole with such a title, but I don’t think so. I’ve had some real travel disasters in the past, but never with an 11-month old baby strapped to my front, who is even less amused by the situation than I am.

Here’s some travel advice: NEVER BOOK THROUGH A THIRD-PARTY WEBSITE. I have had this travel rule in the past, after some traumatic experiences. But the Expedias of the world (yes, I’m naming names) are so alluring, with their slick search engines and nice fares and promises of doing multiple tickets in a single itinerary.

BUT IT’S NOT WORTH IT. Most of the time things will work out just fine. And then sometimes, something will go disastrously wrong and you will be told you have no ticket or the wrong ticket and there will be a big fight about it between the airline and the third-party website, and you will be stuck in the middle, standing at a ticket counter for hours at a time with an 11-month old baby strapped to your front and a full bladder and no chance to go to the bathroom, wondering what you did to deserve this.

That was me. Today. And the plane left without me, and I am now in an airport hotel room, making my third call of the day to Expedia, and once again on hold for a small eternity, which means I may as well vent through blogging a little.

Cassia and I started our travels this afternoon in a minivan of fellow travelers, which left Mbabane late (I don’t know why I expected any different), and then took a much longer break than the driver said he would at the Alzu rest stop (I don’t know why I expected any different), and then we were close to an hour behind schedule and I began to get worried that I wouldn’t have enough time at the airport for the complicated task of checking in with a baby, too much luggage, and not enough hands. Also, Cassia was not thrilled with 4 ½ hours in her carseat, and made a great big stink about it for much of the trip, in spite of having a very kind mkhulu sitting next to her who talked to her and let her pull his gray curly beard whenever she wanted.

But we got to the Johannesburg airport two hours before the flight left. All good. I went to the check-in counter. The British Airways agent frowned and typed and examined our passports for ten minutes, and then told me that she couldn’t find a ticket number for Cassia, so I needed to go to the B.A. ticket desk. Which I did, a bit disgruntled about having to lug all my stuff all the way across the terminal. But we still had plenty of time, and I wasn’t worried.

When I booked through Expedia, I had definitely booked an infant-in-lap ticket for Cassia. (On international flights, they charge you a few hundred dollars for an infant-in-lap, and they need a ticket, unlike on U.S. flights.) And when I checked my reservation on B.A.’s system, Cassia was definitely in my reservation as an infant-in-lap. But somehow she never got a ticket. Don’t ask me to explain this. So the B.A. ticket agents got to work trying to get her a ticket. First there were two working on it, and then three, and then four. Gradually their conversation with me changed from, “Of course we’ll get you on that flight,” to not answering my questions about whether the flight was still being held for me or not, to “Sorry, the flight is closed.” They said it was Expedia’s fault. They called Expedia, and Expedia put us on hold again and again, and finally after an hour and 13 minutes the B.A. ladies said they weren’t going to keep paying for that international call and they had to close up shop anyway (it was now nearly 10), so they hung up.

It’s hard to tell who was enjoying themselves less during those 2 ½ hours standing at the ticket counter, me or Cassia. Cassia cried on the outside. I cried on the inside. And then, when I thought about how exhausted I was and that I was only barely starting my trip across the world and still only a few hundred miles from my starting point, and already down to only 10 diapers in the diaper bag, I cried a little on the outside as well.

It’s now 12:30 a.m. and Cassia just fell asleep (finally) and I have been on hold with Expedia for 20 minutes (after that incredibly long, totally unproductive call at the airport, I also had a 25 minute call from the hotel that got cut off, and now this 30 minute call, and every time I have to start all over with a new person and explain everything and then get sent to that person’s supervisor and so on). So I actually still have no idea who is going to agree to re-book me, or on what flights, or how much of my cousin’s wedding festivities I will miss.

I still feel mostly in the dark about the problem, but as best as I can understand it, when I booked with Expedia, they couldn’t actually book Cassia on an infant-in-lap ticket because there was a U.S. segment (Seattle to Billings) in which she didn’t have a ticket at all, because for U.S. flights an infant-in-lap doesn’t need a ticket. So somehow this threw their whole system into chaos, and they couldn’t give her a ticket for the international segments either. And somehow, the way that Expedia had booked me meant that British Airways couldn't book her in my itinerary because she was already there but ticketless, and they couldn't book her in any other itinerary because who lets a baby travel on an itinerary without a minder, and so they tried a dozen different ways and simply could not ticket my infant. In spite of the fact that I was standing right there, at the airport, with the little passenger in question, pleading, “Please let us on this flight! I’ll pay! I just have to get on this flight!”

Once upon a time, I believe people just paid actual money and were given actual tickets, and then were allowed to get into a plane or train or automobile and travel from Point A to Point B. What an ingenious solution, so simple! How have transportation systems become so complex that four people working hard for an hour can’t figure out how to sell a woman a plane ticket for her baby? I would be having a good laugh at the absurdity of it, if I weren’t sitting in a hotel room still on hold with Expedia when I should be on a plane to my cousin’s wedding.

… That was all written last night while on endless hold with Expedia. At 1:30 a.m. a very nice young man in India told me none of this was my fault, and even started to give me possible itineraries out of here, and I started to be hopeful that Expedia would do something to help me. At 2 a.m. his supervisor told me that she just had to very quickly talk to her supervisor. I begged her not to put me on hold for a long time as it was 2 a.m. and I was finished. At 3 a.m. she finally got back on the phone to tell me that the best they could do was cancel my ticket and refund me the money (which she seemed to think was a favor as technically I was a “no show” and could have ended up with zero back on the ticket). She told me the whole thing was my fault since they sent me an email in January telling me that they couldn’t book the infant ticket. I never saw the email, nor did I notice that they never charged me for the infant ticket. So it was kind of my fault. Also, I was dealing with nine different plane itineraries for this summer trip. NINE. Details get missed.

But would it have been too much to ask for either Expedia or British Airways to flag the issue in my online reservation (which I checked on both of their websites multiple times), or for an actual person from Expedia to call me to discuss that the “ticketed and confirmed” message in my online reservation wasn’t actually true? British Airways, for their part, says it definitely wasn’t their fault as they had no idea the infant hadn’t been ticketed, until they tried to check me in. And no one can explain why four B.A. agents working hard for an hour couldn’t actually get me an infant ticket. That will have to remain one of the unsolvable mysteries of the universe.

So bottom line is I had to start all over and book a brand new ticket for today, which was of course expensive, and none of the multiple very pleasant B.A. agents I talked to had any authority to lower that last-minute fare or to get me a seat that isn't a middle seat (with a baby on my lap). Who does make such decisions? The computers?

I am on the verge of saying I am never going to book through a computer or website again, only with an actual travel agent. (This never would have happened had I booked with a travel agent.) Do travel agents even exist anymore?

At the very least, I am really, truly swearing off booking through third-party websites. I told Expedia (in our five hours of phone calls yesterday) that I would warn everyone I knew about them and their lack of customer service, so there you are. Be warned.